Advice: Indirect Talk Leads to Fence Sitting

was working on copy and design for a white paper picthed at executives in the financial services industry. below is advice I offered: i’m not wild about the indirect voice that’s taken in this banking piece. what do I mean by indirect? 1) there’s not enough use of “you” to address the address and engage the reader (everything talks about banking like it’s a sidebar for the reader – when it’s clearly not!). 2) there’s a fair amount of extraneous language to slow down the reader, which has the unfortunate effect of branding the company as long-winded and perhaps not action-ready (punchier text would better imply rolling up sleeves and getting down to business!). i’m guessing both of these are offshoots of the “academic” feel that the company has as a whole, and that the company runs into a fair amount of fence-sitting with business prospects who are down in the trenches. I know from personal experience that sales is difficult where an indirect path is taken to pitching services.